


Too Many People

by horse



Category: Fire Emblem: If | Fire Emblem: Fates
Genre: M/M, yeowch
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-09-21
Updated: 2017-09-27
Packaged: 2019-01-03 17:40:42
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 11,981
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12151590
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/horse/pseuds/horse
Summary: It’s been ten years since anyone was here who might have told the truth. So they stay inside, speak white lies, they haven’t got a clue.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Hey, I don't know how long this will be, how long the next chapter will be, how I got here, or who I am

There was no other sound in the room outside of fire, crackling stubbornly in his periphery. Laslow and Peri were long gone, perhaps asleep by now, but Xander couldn’t bring himself to move from his desk. Thoughts bit at him, staying long enough to jostle his mind and then flicker out of sight, out of comprehension, replaced by five more that did just the same - he held his head, locks of gold trapped in the mask of his fingers, curling every which way until they were pulled taught, only to bounce back into his face.

“Milord.”

Xander looked up without raising his head, then did so, catching white hair and the glint of metal. His shoulders relaxed, but not fully. “Niles.”

Arms uncrossed and the archer pushed himself away from the doorframe, where he had apparently been waiting like a patient vampire for his invitation. Xander pushed his circlet all the way off his head, setting it down gently, trying not to look irritated - hopeless.

“You look unhappier to see me than usual. Rough night?”

“No more than the usual.” Xander responded candidly, too tired for mind games. Niles was too good at them anyway, he’d learned that quite early on in dealings; it was a talent of merit, certainly. Sharp wit the likes of the retainer’s had always escaped the prince, especially in cases were it would be profoundly effective. Which was bothersome to say the least, but Xander supposed he could feel lucky that Niles was on their side. Theoretically. “Is there some issue…? Has Leo-”

“No,no. That’s been sorted.” Niles had raised his hands, chuckling soundlessly, evident by the shake of his chest. Xander felt the odd realisation hit him that Niles was real - that he was a person… whole with feelings and sentiments and experiences. Xander scratched at his brow, tried to shake off the thought, oddly timed.. He couldn’t think of how else to explain the notion, but it brought on a certain level of discomfort. Sometimes, dealing with a singular person was much more harrowing than a room of them. Specifics could be so damning. “I was looking for buttons to press, admittedly. It’s been a busy day, too much excitement, couldn’t get to sleeping… buttons or no, a scout usually does it.” Niles stopped talking to put his hands behind his back, to purse his lips ominously. “May I speak freely?” And then, audaciously: “Please?”

Xander had no nerves left. What he did have was a meager ration of patience, and perhaps a stowed crumble of sentimentality, wrapped in the ribbon of princely niceties. So he didn’t roll his eyes, didn’t banish Niles from sight. Didn’t even speak, for a beat of silence, regarding the way Niles stood, instead. Like he was talking to an old friend, and not the crowned prince of Nohr. There was something almost endearing about how insufferably provocative he was - not in the lewdest sense, that much was less endearing - about the way, rather, that Niles had seemingly no regard for protocol. He only wished to stir, and stand back when things inevitably spilled or boiled over. They were so contrasted in that respect it made Xander dizzy.

“If I know anything about you, you’re going to do that regardless of what I say. But for posterity’s sake,” It took everything not to dip into sarcasm, “Go ahead, Niles.”

“Mmm.” He’d been waiting for that, clearly. That knowing blue eye narrowed, caught the firelight for a second with a small shift of his weight. “Well, I saw your door, slightly ajar. I thought to myself: now here is a curiosity, the ever so attentive and careful big brother, left vulnerable to the night. And so, in perfect altruism, I thought to stand guard there - I know it’s not _my_ job -” Niles looked at his nails, back to Xander, and almost seemed to soften. That must have been fatigue. “But when I saw...” The retainer stopped speaking, looking troubled. It made Xander… nervous? That wasn’t quite right. It was the smallest sliver of what he felt when he saw the flat, tense line of Leo’s lips at loud and crowded events, silently battling inner demons. When Camilla looked to him after a long battle, obviously worn beyond her blood-thirst. When he saw Elise alone, looking lost, like she was in the middle of a thought, as if she had stopped herself. 

Painful moments.

“Can I be more... free?”

Xander squinted at him. “More free?”

“You know. Can I speak even freer than that.”

“Niles. You’re very close to overstaying your welcome. In fact, I don’t recall-” Xander stopped, catching something that had been… impossibly fleeting. He had only just caught it - but Xander was Xander, 'big brother' indeed. Camilla had tested him once. Had interrogated him to make sure he wasn’t the block of ice he seemed. No, he wasn’t, not really… just for the sake of image, but Xander was intuitive and understanding, could catch those glimpses in the face of his siblings no matter how minute or temporary. That was his job above all else - to know when they needed him, to know what to say and do. Most of the time, it was a private, secret affair, all that mending and sorting, taking no credit. The less anyone knew about his farce, his projections, the better it was for the kingdom. So he had stopped himself, catching that thing in the leagues of Niles’ iris. Cleared his throat, humoured him. ”Just. Continue.”

Niles didn’t fall back into a smirk like Xander had anticipated. Instead, he just stared at the floor, then to his right, chewing over his words, hopefully.

“You look very... troubled.” The man said, softly. Softly. Xander didn’t know Niles could be soft, only ever saw edges and edges and edges, all lined in neat rows, waiting like a thousand bear traps. He couldn’t recall a time were he had trusted Niles, had thought him to be exemplary in any regard than making Leo satisfied, even happy. That had been enough… hearing Leo’s testaments, hearing him vouch for this person, this stranger, and still to this day - whenever Xander cast a weary eye on the navy cloak, turned away from a salacious remark. Xander had to wonder how Leo coped, all considered. There must have been something.

“This is far out of your jurisdiction.” Xander said at long last, looking away, wishing he had something to do with his hands. “And just so we’re clear, wildly inappropriate conversation, station to station.”

“That’s why I asked to speak freely, your _Highness_.” 

“Don’t test me, Niles.”

“You could really use the outlet.”

Xander tried not to glare, but it was very hard to bite his tongue at flagrant misconduct, particularly at a moment like this. Stressed, tired, and indeed, troubled - Niles had picked a bad time to be himself. As always seemed the case.

“I’m more than certain you know exactly what you ought to do with yourself, Niles, so I suggest you get to it, post haste.”

“Uh huh. Well here’s the thing.” Niles licked his lips. “I know you’ve got to put on airs. I know, because _that’s_ my job.” There was something wicked to the look of him, in a way that was still tame, still caged and allied with Nohr. “As far as what I ought to do… all that is up to interpretation, so I wouldn’t chance being vague if there’s something you want me to do. Or if there’s something you want to do to me.” Xander watched those lips split, felt his own do the same, felt his jaw set, but Niles was already speaking again, hands up by his chest, fingers splayed lazily. “Like jail me. Or filet me. Y’know. Nothing more intimate.”

“I assure you that as long as Leo sees use within you, I won’t be doing either. Unless,” He stared pointedly at his nefarious company, feeling hair fall into his face, and he so wished he had not removed his circlet. “You give me more reason to than I can argue away.” Xander breathed in, tried not to make it very obvious. “I find that I can’t outright dislike you on most days, but if you continue to step out of line, if you continue to do as you very well please-” His voice had been getting louder; he hadn’t noticed. That thing flashed across Niles’ face again. Was it fear? Not precisely. Something akin to it, closer to pain. But again, it had been fleeting, ephemeral - Niles’ lips were pulled in a smile. Synthetic. It didn’t reach his eyes, not like it had before.

“You’re dismissed.” Xander finished, looking away, excusing him with both words and actions, picking up a piece of parchment that he’d read some twenty odd times over, just to busy himself so he didn’t have to watch Niles make his exit.

“Goodnight, Milord.” The phrase wafted slowly to him, but when Xander looked up again, there was no one there.


	2. Chapter 2

Knowing the stakes was never a comfort. Seeing reality for what it was could never be soothing. Not in this world, and not for well-meaning royalty. Justice… indeed was an illusion, especially in practise, especially in battle. There was nothing just about seeing his young brother topple off his horse and curl with what must have been excruciating pain.

The eldest prince saw Niles cut down the last of the assailants, flanked by Odin, startled. That in turn caught the attention of his cohort, and the way Niles rushed to Leo was… uncharacteristic.

Xander’s boots hit the ground with a jarring clank, and he rushed to where Elise was crouched, fingers at her mouth.

“Odin, retreat with Leo. Niles, stay here.” He needed that monster, that snarling beast - Odin was different, Odin was flashy vengeance and shouting, was all over the place at times. Skilled, but… Xander needed Niles on the battlefield. Unforgiving, merciless - that soul to which murder was as much sleight of hand as lifting silverware, and just as quick an ordeal.

Niles gave him an expression that was wrought with wild emotion before it stilled into something steely, and he stalked off without a word, snatching his bow. No snide remark, not a lick of challenge. Xander swallowed as he watched him leave, ignored Odin’s own expression, half worry, half objection. But in the end, even Elise knew better than to argue this Xander. Battlefield Xander. To any outsider, it might have seemed that this version of him had no sisters, no brothers… truthfully? If it took a target or several off the backs of his child siblings, he wanted everyone to think he was as heartless as empty armor.

Leo was alright in the sense that he would live. He was alright in the sense that physical wounds tended to heal, for the most part - it was just the trick of getting emotional ones to follow suit. But even so, the infirmary was dark and heavy with an air of something profoundly unpleasant. Camilla’s hand touched his shoulder, and Xander straightened to regard her as she walked around his chair.

“He’s scraped his knees before, you know.”

“This isn’t exactly a tumble during lessons.”

“He’s made of stronger stuff than when he was six, Xander.”

That was true, but it didn’t exactly matter in this context, did it? Attempts at comfort couldn’t combat the fact that a teenager had taken a blast of magic at full force. What he was made of was of no consequence… they were all made of flesh, and flesh was fragile. That was the only truth here.

“It’s been hours, and he’s barely stirred. Forgive me if I…” Xander sighed, head in his hands again. He was glad it was only Camilla to see him this way. Out of everyone, he knew she could handle this side of him best. This glimpse into his underself. Her hand was on him again, heavier.

“I know.” She said simply, tucking hair behind her ear as she leaned against the back of Xander’s seat. “Just have a little faith, alright dear?” She pinched at his cheek, lightly. He put his hand on hers, but did not smile. Could not.

Xander was on his way back from seeing Leo when he caught sight of Niles in the corridor, leaning against the wall. The man turned sharply to look at him, like a hawk at a mouse.

“May I speak freely?” It was going to be a dangerous question, Xander could tell. He could snuff it out right now, or he could enable this atrocious display of… ugh. That wasn’t quite him, was it? Xander could be more forgiving than that, even today… or maybe because of today.

“You may.”

“You kept me on the field, and not Odin - why?” Niles asked right away, even the hint of a smirk fading as he made direct and unrelenting eye contact with Xander. Like they were dogs, like there was any room to decide who was alpha here. Xander looked down at him, keeping himself composed, but already feeling his jaw twitch.

“Are you questioning my authority? My tactics?”

“I’m _merely_ asking wh-”

“Because that would be a sorry day for you, Niles. I am warning you.”

“Is it because you don’t trust me, with the _basest_ of duties-”

“That is enough, Niles-”

“Ah, still not good enough to see to your br-”

“ _That’s enough_ , Niles!” Xander was yelling, he knew he was, but he had no control over the burst of voice that exploded from him, nor the arm that slammed Niles into the wall of the corridor. “How _dare_ you-” He shoved his arm up, watched Niles grit his teeth, watched his eye narrow. “Leo was seen to. As his brother, that was my concern above yours. Do you understand?” Niles’ upper lip twitched, but he made no reply. Xander shoved his arm up again. “I said, _do you understand_?”

Hands came to his forearm, but the gesture was so light that Xander didn’t expect to hear the struggle of Niles’ throat and breathing quite as openly. One would have expected more of a fight if their hold was choking, but Niles remained impertinent even as his neck worked against stone muscle. His head lolled forwards, and then, finally, in some ragged bastardisation of his voice: “Let go,”

“You would make demands after such insolence?” Xander snarled. He was desperately trying to come down, riled by the retainer’s own reckless abandon. That shameless display of passion. Maybe Niles was mad in the gravest sense.

“Lord Leo almost died today…” It would have sounded dramatic if it were not true. They were lucky the young prince hadn’t suffered serious head trauma, or perhaps worse… Limbs intact, head intact. Xander closed his eyes for a moment, opened them again to see Niles still hunched. “I’m such a failure. I barely noticed.” He made a sorry noise, and Xander thought to let go altogether, but he just shoved him back again, this time with his forearm against Niles’ chest.

“Pull yourself together. That’s no excuse for blatant disrespect. For forgetting your place.”

“My place...“ Niles echoed, tasting the words.

“Get out of my sight, and pray you remain in service.” Gods, was this man ever odd - Xander watched Niles not flinch nor apologise. Instead, he slipped like a cat between Xander and the wall, turning away. 

“A waste.” Niles muttered, promptly hacking, his hand finally free to clutch under his jaw.

Xander let him flee, glaring daggers at his back all the way, turning to see Camilla poking her head out into the corridor. Ripping his gaze off her, he started the brisk walk to his quarters, and, not hearing the clack of heels behind him, assumed Camilla had returned to her post by Leo’s side. At least there was someone he didn’t have to worry about. For the time being, anyway.

Things were mostly quiet after that. Xander had every right to dismiss Niles, but he decided that Leo didn’t need another blow - not so suddenly, anyway.

And perhaps… well. He wouldn’t go so far as to say he could understand Niles, but he could at least recognise that Niles had been concerned over his brother - enough that he had stepped far beyond bounds with Xander. Could he really dispose of someone so… moved by Leo’s brush with death? Who obviously cared a great deal for him?

“Elise?”

The young girl swivelled around, beaming up at him, holding a rabbit a third the size of her with both arms. “Xander!” It started to kick, and she let it go with a pout. “Ohh!”

A small chuckle escaped him, mouth closed, lips spreading in a smile before he became more stoic, even as he patted her head.

“Can I ask you something?”

“Huh? Yeah, go for it.” Elise blinked up at him, clearly curious, beaming all the same. Xander fought a sigh as they walked past the courtyard, and he glanced at the brightly lit day beyond stone, cut by slim pillars.

“What do you make of Niles?”

“Is this about… you yelling at him the other day?” She asked quietly, gazing through lashes.

“Not exactly… just. What do you make of him?”

“Hmmm.” Her small brows came together, fingers tapping her lips at nonsensical intervals, and then she puffed her cheeks out before answering. “He makes me laugh, and he’s always really nice to me. In that adult kinda way, you know? Like-” She cleared her throat, pushed her voice down what sounded like a whole octave. “-’I know lotsa stuff because I’m scrappy and cool, and I kill people a lot, heh heh! I act creepy but I’m not creepy, heh heh! Nyo ho! I’m mysterious too, heh heh…’” She wiggled her fingers, and Xander stifled another laugh. That was certainly illuminating.

“I see.”

“Mmgh, listen, you gotta be nicer to him.”

Xander quirked his brow, ready to check out of the conversation, but he couldn’t cut Elise off as much as he may have wanted to.

“Xander, I’m serious! I know he acted out of order, but he didn’t mean to. Or.. maybe he did, but it was an accident! I’m pretty sure, anyway!”

“Ugh… Elise, I’m afraid you don’t under-”

“Hey! I _do_ understand, okay? As a matter of fact, Niles thinks I do, and you don’t, and that’s pretty darn annoying!”

Xander bristled. He wasn’t ready to hear Elise imply that Niles had bested him in some way… in a personal way. He exhaled through his nose, stared ahead so as not to direct whatever sour look he was making at his youngest sister. He didn’t know what else to say. Rather, there was a lot he wanted to say, but nothing he wanted Elise to hear. 

She flitted off with a half-hearted excuse, giving him a peek of tongue beforehand, of course.

He shouldn’t have asked, he realised, but he couldn’t have known that they had a good rapport… he had assumed that true to charicature, Niles stowed himself away in cracks and corners, terrorising the unwitting masses, not doing much more than make a spectacle of himself. Again, Xander found himself back to the realisation that Niles was a full fledged personality - one with aspects that had caught the eye of two of his siblings… possibly three, if Camilla had been friendly with the archer at all. Which, at this rate, was entirely plausible. Had he been the only one to escape audience with this… this… alley cat?  
  
“You requested an audience, milord?” Came the drag of words. Niles sauntered in, looking worse for the wear: all of him dishevelled, things askew enough to make it apparent that he hadn’t cared to adjust them. He looked drained, above all, and in that moment, watching him enter, eye fixed to the floor, Xander might have felt guilty.

“Sit down.” The prince said quietly, motioning to a chair before his desk, noting the way that Niles’ body had lost a sizable fraction of it’s swagger. The man stared with applaudable determination at the wooden surface, upon which Xander currently rested his elbows, arms crossed.

“I’d like to apologise.”

Immediately, Niles scoffed, and Xander bit his tongue, literally. Focus.

“And I’d like to explain my position to you.” Xander looked away right as Niles looked at him, and felt stupid for it. Surely it would’ve been more sensible to meet that gaze, to show him who had the upper hand… but Xander just. Didn’t have it in him. Leo was still faring poorly, days later, and while Xander could be thankful that the young prince was at least awake and coherent, he was still hollowed by the ordeal. “I needed your arm on the field more than Odin’s. Odin… has his own motives, I’m sure. But I think we can both agree that you have a more experienced mindset for combat. Odin doesn’t fare well when morale is low. In contrast, you seem to thrive off of it.”

“Perceptive.” Was all all he could pull out of Niles, who had crossed his own arms, sitting against ornate woodwork and expensive fabric.

“I think we share that ability.”

“And I’m sure you hope that’s where the sharing ends.”

“ _Must_ you…” Xander stopped himself, hands coming together before his mouth. “If you continue to fight me at every turn, I’ll have no choice but to…” He trailed off, not knowing what he’d resort to, not wanting to resort to anything. One more thing to fix, one more problem to tally… would it never end? Could one thing not wrap itself up for him?

“It seems to me that Lord Leo could have saved us all the trouble, and spilled my blood when he had the chance. And yet he didn’t. I often wonder why that was.”

Xander breathed, moved his hands, watched Niles with a softening scowl. “He saw something in you, I expect.”

“A mystery for the ages. Would you happen to know? Since you know everything.”

He gave Niles a sharp look. “I don’t pretend to.”

Niles swallowed, looking away, finally, fidgeting with the end of his capelet. It was in that moment that Xander saw a shadow of someone. Not a charade, or a storm of snappy quips, no satirical show. A real silhouette. “I thought you might, since I’m still here, and breathing.”

“I decided to let that continue without much consultation, but you’re free to assume otherwise.”

“Oh, dear, does the generosity ever stop?”

“Is it very fun, pressing people until they inevitably strike? I have never met someone so _hell_ -bent on their own demise.”

Niles actually looked a bit winded, blinking at him, and there it was - again. More potent than all times before, and Xander felt that he had tapped into something quite human indeed. Something far too revealing for Niles’ comfort, evident in the way he tried to scramble back into himself, but was ultimately unsuccessful.

“I’m sure if Leo were here, he’d be disappointed.” Present company did _not_ want to hear that. “He chose well, Niles. Your behaviour is heinous, but your heart is true.” Again, the retainer looked winded. There was some small triumph in that, something Xander could call a comfort. But of course, Niles had to spoil it.

“True hearts,” Niles said, rising up, and Xander could _hear_ him smirking, “Don’t exist.”


	3. Chapter 3

Xander didn’t brood, not publicly. He didn’t know what he would call this, though. A brisk walk? Clearing his head? Something like that. He’d just seen Leo, who was looking fine, for the most part, patched up and ready to get back to the normal everyday. He said that Niles had come to see him earlier, and when Xander fell silent at the subject, Leo rolled his eyes, looked back to the strewn parchment on his bedsheets, filing through spells. 

“He’s an acquired taste.” Leo said, like he was Xander’s age, and not almost a decade younger. There was no arguing that, anyway. Leo knew not to pester him, not to drag him down a track unless it was vital. There were more important things, apparently, than his retainer completely disrespecting his older brother. Maybe Leo found it amusing. Still, he continued. “And really…” Leo exhaled, lips twitching into something pensive. “Sensitive. Try to see his behaviour for what it is, and you’ll see what I mean. Or I hope so, anyway, because it’s hard to explain, and I’m still pretty drained.”

Xander could follow. He’d seen behaviour for what it was since he was young. Hypersensitive to the world around him... To what bothered, what disappointed everyone in his radius. Deafening. There were some people who would kill for this life, and yet, most days he felt he had nearly escaped it killing him. Wasn’t Niles the former, if he wasn’t the latter?

He didn’t seem that way. There had been so many chances to truly take advantage of Leo’s kindess, but Xander had heard no word of Niles making that move. Leo wasn’t stupid. He wouldn’t keep someone at his right or left who didn’t dabble in some form of honesty. Maybe he had been too hard, too rough. But Niles made it next to impossible - Xander couldn’t just laugh it off, or forgive little upstarts, not with everyone watching. Camilla might have been the only one to understand just how dire the need was to keep a reputation firmly planted, one that kept everyone and everything in tight formation, in order. Slip ups meant that someone got hurt. Slip ups meant misfortune, famine, attack - slip ups meant an internal and external crumbling, and he could afford neither, not with everything else in the world coming down on him, pushing on his shoulders until his nose hit dirt, and his body shook with the terrifying weight. 

It made him sad, sometimes, that he could not be closer with his family. That he must watch Elise play from this window, and not be able to pick her up onto his shoulders, though he was certain he had missed the chance for that - she was getting so big, too soon.

He would have liked to spend more time with Leo, familiarising himself with a blade… get rid of those trepidations, those insecurities. Xander would have been happy enough just to talk about other things - things Leo liked to talk about. 

It was more frequent that he could be candid and open with Camilla, but even then, she had her own affairs to tend to. Camilla had taken the role that he wished he could have; he was more than qualified for caretaker, it was just bad luck that he was also meant to take the throne. There was no room for sentiments on a throne. Just a body. 

Just a level head, which required an emptied heart.

Xander supposed that didn’t make his heart very true at all, and he laughed harshly at the thought, a burst of air from his nose and through his teeth. A shake of his head as it fell into his hand. He looked over the balcony again, and there was Niles.

In a tree, facing the twilight sky, or it looked that way. Who wouldn’t be looking at it now? That mess of colour was one of few things that could really soothe him - every hue melting into the last and the next, burning and cooling all at once. Xander shifted back onto his heels, looked to the door, and made his way downstairs.

“If you’re here to offer platitudes, I am distinctly out of earshot.”

Xander sighed audibly, leaning against the tree.

“Is that so?” He looked up, catching Niles looking down at him, and a face that said ‘sorry, couldn’t hear ya’.

“Come down here, Niles.”

“Sorry, what was that? You need Laslow? He’s over there, flirting with a woman-shaped log.”

“Wh-... very funny.”

“I thought so.”

“Aha!” Xander pointed, and Niles tapped his hand to his lips, expression something between annoyed, exhausted, and vaguely amused. There was the slight _thump!_ of him hitting the grass, and Xander had to admire how silently… how very feline he could fall.

“You become somewhat sufferable when you display humanity like that.”

“I see you’ve fallen back into your remarkably insufferable attitude, by contrast.”

“It’s a trademark I can’t shake, as it happens.”

Xander raised a brow, and turned back to the sky, hands at his back. “Were you watching the sunset?”

Niles shook his head, and it was his turn to lean against the tree, hips jutting out. Gods, what hellish posture. “Waiting for the stars.”

“Mm. I see.”

Niles said nothing, but Xander felt eyes on him for a while before they were both distracted as indigo murk usurped the pinks and yellows of evening. He turned his head, then himself to face Niles, who glanced nervously at him, but didn’t move otherwise.

“About-”

“I was out of line, it’s fine. Leo already lectured me.” With that, the retainer smiled like it pained him.

“I meant when you said I looked troubled. You were right. Out of line, too, but right. I was troubled.” Xander saw Niles shift into a less suggestive stance. Something a little more sincere. “I…” How much could he divulge? Should he? Did it matter anymore? If he didn’t get at least a little of this out, he was afraid of what it would turn into inside of him. 

“Suffice to say, I feel that there is much outside of my grasp… I look to you and the other retainers to take care of my siblings in the ways I cannot permit myself to. As of late, it has been… increasingly difficult. Watching Elise grow before my eyes… watching Leo almost die. They turn to Camilla, not to me. Not at first, anyway. And even when I am the last resort, I can feel that they don’t think they can reach me.” Xander let himself fall silent, already embarrassed. He shouldn’t be sharing this with Niles, of all people - someone who could no doubt use this against him in some way, but for whatever reason, all that ruminating, and all the conversations he’d had about the man had put an ugly trust in him. An ugly hope.

“Why are you telling me this?”

“A peace offering, perhaps, if nothing else. You did mention that humanity becomes me.”

“Underhandedly, but I guess I did.” Niles looked softer than usual, dimmed in the waning light. Like this, he seemed like a stranger in the most pleasant sense - just another man under the shade of a tree, watching the moon rise and the stars twinkle into life.

“They love you. They might love you from far away, but they do. So don’t act like you’ve been completely forsaken.” Niles was standing closer to him now, hands tucked away into his elbows and under his cape.

“Is that what you consider yourself?” Xander pried. Niles snorted in response.

“What can I say? Existential burden is the flame, and I, the doomed moth.”

“That’s awfully poetic, I should’ve known you were deeply tormented.”

“Gods, it’s weird when you joke.”

Xander laughed at that, unable to help himself. Realising what he’d just done, and said, he cleared his throat awkwardly, fixated on some bright and burning thing a million miles away.

“You’re not unloved.” He said at long last. “Leo loves you in his own way.”

“I won’t deny a kinship, but I would hardly be so sentimental as to call it love. More like when the Lady Elise finds a new stuffed animal to join her for high tea.”

“On that - what did you say to her to make her think that I.. that _you_ understand her, where I don’t?”

“Where do I begin? You treat her like a child, for starters.”

“She _is_ a child.”

“Children don’t ever think they’re children, that’s the last thing they want to be thought of.”

Xander could only gawk before he fitted lower back to upper jaw. How dare… no. Theyw ere just having conversation. And Niles was making sense, even if it was was agitating, troublesome sense. 

“So then…?”

“I just listened to her. And you should too. I mean, I have little faith in her, actually...”

“Niles!”

“In a pragmatic sense. She’s twelve, milord.”

“So then you propose I listen to her, but not actually listen to her?”

“I _propose_ that you give her the opportunity to prove herself.”

That sounded fair enough, actually. He could do that. He should, shouldn’t he? Why had it taken Niles to reach that conclusion? It would be nice to include her, after all… even if she didn’t add anything. Xander was quiet once more, mulling over something.

“I didn’t think you could be so full of sense.”

“I would’ve died a long time ago if I wasn’t.”

Niles was looking ahead, unsmiling. Xander tried to follow his gaze, but the sky was too vast to pinpoint anything. Nothing stood out, though he assumed that was the consequence for giving constellations and their coordinates little thought.

“Well,” Xander clapped a hand on Niles’ shoulder, perhaps too firmly, judging by the comical dip. “I’m glad you are.”

He had left after that, and now in his study again, Xander found himself wishing he had shirked duty for just a moment longer. He hadn’t been ready to revisit all of his apprehensions, his regrets, circlet where he’d set it down just like he always did, catching the flicker of the fire in his periphery. It had been nice to talk, to have a conversation of substance that made him feel even a bit lighter on his feet.

Suddenly, he heard ruffling, like fabic catching wind - something long and dark fluttered to the floor, small objects clattering - stripes, magenta, white -

Niles felt like he had been warmed by the fire, not like he had just come rushing in from the cold night. Xander could barely process the moment. He only felt himself reciprocate the kiss as Niles made to settle into his lap, and Xander caught his wrist. 

“Niles.”

“Ha-” Niles struggled, trying to pull his arm away with a yank, backing up. Xander realised he had been misinterpreted, thought briefly that might have been for the best before he grabbed Niles by the fabric of his shirt, making him stumble forward. 

“Niles, the door-”

“No one’s coming-”

Xander rose with am irritated grunt, making little effort to separate them beyond what was necessary to move. Even when he reached the door, heart racing, praying Niles was right, he fell upon it more than shut it at the behest of Niles’ determined hands. It was the perfect attack; Xander had no time to consider all the reasons why this was probably the worst culmination of events in the history of the world, as well as several other equally soul crushing realisms, courtesy of the way Niles pressed himself up and against him. 

That was enough of that, Xander thought, catching a wrist again, shoving Niles back until his thighs hit Xander’s desk. The archer didn’t waste a second - Xander thought he’d definitely have some sort of retort… he could practically hear Niles in his head, saying something off colour, something combative. Instead, Niles just pulled him down. It was almost desperate, or really, Xander guessed it was… he couldn’t think straight, not like this. Not with Niles sucking his bottom lip between teeth, biting just hard enough to piss him off but not to break skin.

The desk was too narrow to lay on width-wise, let alone across it - the fact that his mind had even _gone_ there -

“Sorry.” The sentiment was muffled against his neck, and Xander blinked back into the present, out of his thoughts.

“It’s alright.” He murmured on reflex, not really sure what he was exonerating, hand rising up the small of Niles’ back; his body stiffened when Niles arched in response. This was wrong. No reasoning, no buts… nothing. It was wrong, Xander knew it, and he said absolutely nothing, so desperately needing the release… the excuse. That was his earned weakness, carrying the weight of the world like a noble-bred mule.

He pulled Niles forwards, fell back into the seat between his desk and the door, where Niles had sat a week or so ago, looking odd against the velvet and mahogany. Now he sat there instead, Niles sliding easily into his lap, kissing him again, hands undoing a belt and letting it fall to the ground with a metallic sound so that he could reach under Xander’s tunic, and let fingers run the course of his abdomen and chest. The touch was calming in a way Xander couldn’t remember. Of course he’d had thrills before this, but perhaps it had been too long since he last let himself chase a whim, especially a lascivious one. Improper. Unbecoming. Like the way his own hands indulged, running over thighs, to hips, to waist.

They broke apart to breathe, Niles nudging forwards but coming to the conclusion that he should take the chance to steady. Xander waited for Niles to speak, not knowing what to say for himself… not wanting to say anything, lest he come fully to his senses with the effort to be coherent. He didn’t, though, only rolled his hips and pulled a throaty noise from Xander, who tried to force it back down, brows furrowing. Then he did it again, this time with more purpose and more gall, seeing the way it had made Xander react, and the colour it had brought to his face. Not that Niles faired much better - slack jawed, breathing hard, red cheeks, red ears. This time, he got Xander’s mouth to open, but not without consequence. The prince dug his fingers into the waist they’d been framing, holding him there, and Niles bit his lip, exhaling through his nose like he’d been holding his breath for an hour.

“Are we stopping there, or are you scolding me?” Ah, there it was. Xander kept his gaze on Niles, watched his blue eye open, specifically to dare him, it felt like.

“We should stop.”

“That sounds like an observation rather than an answer.”

“It does, doesn’t it?” Was all Xander offered, staring at the way Niles’ lip trembled, like he wanted to say something. It occurred to him that Niles had the ability to hold back… not a very believable quality, all things considered, but there was the proof.

They were kissing again, he couldn’t remember who had started it - it didn’t matter, if they had been keeping a tally, he’d have forgotten the score by now. Then, too soon, they were not kissing… Xander opened his eyes, watched Niles lean over him to pull off his boots, to step out of his trousers. His hands drifted to his waistline, hesitated there, not knowing what to do with himself… gods, what _was_ he doing? What were _they_ doing?

Niles regarded him carefully before putting his hands over Xander’s, moving past them to undo the two or three buttons that served as the last veritable wall of security between restraint and bad decisions. And as if he could see the reservations in Xander’s face, Niles took to mouthing at the spot where jaw met neck, and then lower, travelling down the slope of it. It was already difficult enough not to touch him - compact, solid, and half naked in his lap.

He felt Niles shiver under the metal of his rings when Xander passed his hands over exposed skin, cupping idly before squeezing, exhaling into soft waves of white hair, split ends tickling his cheek.

“This is supposed to be rushed and feverish, not tender,” Niles muttered against his cheek, tilting back to reach into his shirt and pull out a vile filled with something pale and transparent.

“Seriously?” Xander said, looking from it to Niles. “You just carry that?” It made Niles snort, smile cruelly.

“That’s not the intended use. Gods, what kind of man do you take me for?”

“Then what-” He was cut off by lips, full and dauntless. He felt Niles put the vile into his hand, felt their fingers interlock for a split second, and it made his chest tight. All too soon, the hand slid away, leaving Xander wondering what exactly had happened, but he had little time to make sense of it before his body reminded him to get back on track.

The minute his finger slipped into Niles, he felt a sharp intake of breath at his mouth, felt the torso on top of him twitch. Much to what sounded like the archer’s annoyance, he didn’t add a second until he was satisfied, content to play nice no matter how much Niles persisted that they be reckless. Which was funny, taken that they were being awfully fucking reckless to begin with. But there was a kind way to make a mess of things, or at least, Xander clung to the optimism.

He curled the three fingers he had in Niles, closed his eyes at the moan that followed, jaw tightening. Xander was realising over and over the urge to be incensing, provocative; if his efforts could elicit such an enchanting response, he couldn’t reason fighting against the temptation. Niles dug his nails into shoulder blades, spoke through gritted teeth, sounding as strained as his back looked. It was a nice view, a nice sound. “Stop it.”

Xander knew what he meant.

“Hmm?” He hummed absently, curling his fingers again.

“Did I say _rushed_ and _feverish_ before, or am I just losing my mind?”

Xander laughed, and it felt good; their bodies bumped together, and Niles groaned for the slight jostling that resulted. Frankly, Xander was having an extremely hard time keeping steady on his high horse. Saw an imminent fall, particularly when he caught Niles moving against his fingers. If that wasn’t enough, he also bit Xander’s shoulder, and the combination won another stilted rumble. Xander couldn’t swallow it anymore, could barely keep his mouth shut. His fingers retreated, and Niles gasped - Xander would’ve laughed again at how offended it had sounded if he wasn’t suddenly bombarded with the realisation of what was next. It was too late now, and gods knew Niles wouldn’t be happy with any more stalling. Not like Xander wasn’t shamefully ready to fuck Niles into oblivion - to be addressed later, at some point.

He had meant to start slow, but Niles lowered himself so quickly that Xander was sure he would cry out, or bite again, or something, but all he did was tense for a second, tremble, and lift himself again, breathing hard and wet against the skin of Xander’s abused neck. It was easy to fall into a rhythm from there, listening to Niles, to the creak of the chair, and it was so god damn _hot_... when was the last time he’d had sex like this? Ever? Unprompted, messy, borderline frightening - he couldn’t say whether it was fear or the feeling of being high, too high, and knowing that there would be a fall, eventually.

They were going too fast, Xander could feel it, not only in the ache of his back and legs and shoulders, but in the way Niles could barely breathe. When he slowed, Niles emmitted the most accusatory whine Xander had ever heard, and it tapered into something so broken, so delicate, that Xander had to pull him up, had to look at his face.

“-don’t look-” Niles said hastily, hand coming up, but Xander had already seen the tell-tale glisten, the tightness of his mouth. Even now, with Niles covering the upper half of his face with a hand, Xander had been a quietly doting brother too long to not read between the lines. He didn’t need to see tears to know they were waiting to fall.

“Niles…”

“Don’t stop, okay…” He at least removed his hand, focusing on Xander’s chest; he had pulled up the tunic some time ago, enough to get a good look, revisited that now. Xander held him gently, and chose to listen, watching him as they moved, Niles’ expression indecisive - pained, erotic, calm, erotic, pained. Cycles. Xander followed them, followed the ripple of muscle with every other thrust, followed the shake of it, the sweat. There was a lot to take in, and he feared the more he let himself take, the more he knew it would feel not enough. Calm came, erotic on its heels, and Xander found Niles’ twitching dick, leaking with the touch and a well-timed, well-aimed thrust. Niles made a surprised, airless sound, jerked preemptively. It took a few strokes before he lurched forwards, scrambling for purchase, for some way to keep himself grounded, and Xander couldn’t last after the way Niles tightened around him, the way Niles moaned his name. He found himself hissing ‘Niles’ in tandem, clutching white hair and a shivering thigh.

Niles exhaled, long and shaky, arms closing in around Xander, forehead against his chest. Xander sighed in much the same fashion, thought about pulling out for a few seconds before he realised he had to physically do it.

“Nngh.”

“Sorry.” Xander said softly aginst Niles’ head.

“Damnit Xander… when was the last time you…”

Xander’s brows furrowed, eyes following Niles’ hand as he reached behind himself. Oh. _Oh_. He closed his eyes, sighing again with a tired grimace. “It’s been a while. Sorry.” He couldn’t help the nervous chuckle that bounced around in his rib cage, felt relief when Niles just shook his head, slapped his bicep so tiredly that it barely felt like a pat. The chair was ruined, the floor was ruined… he couldn’t be mad, it was his fault; the only evidence of Niles was on their tunics.

“I should go.” Niles said, already sliding off, stumbling slightly. Xander caught him, and they paused for a moment before Niles pulled away softly to pick up his trousers. Xander tucked himself back into his pants and stood quietly as Niles bent to put his boots on, and made a strange sound, hand flying to his lower back.

“Niles-”

“M’fine.” He said, not convincingly, straightening up and then stretching back. “Ah.” He stood still, hand sliding into his pants behind himself again. Xander jumped into motion, pulling a small handkerchief from a drawer and handing it sheepishly to Niles, who took it, looking just as profoundly embarrassed, lower jaw tight. “Thanks.”

Xander rubbed his forehead and his eyes with one hand, trying to wipe away his own humanity, having been reminded non too gently about the afterwards. Biology. It was funny, in a way. It lightened the mood, made it easier to stand there, watching Niles wipe himself with a ludicrously expensive piece of fabric.

“I don’t think you want it back.”

“Perceptive.” Xander muttered, lips flattening, eyebrows raising as he gave a nod, put up his hand, signaling that Niles could in fact keep his cumstained handkerchief.

Xander wanted to say something as Niles fastened his cape, not even dusting it off. He leaned back against his desk, watching the way the fire glowed behind him, the way it caught his hair, and for a second, Xander forgot he was in the room with Niles - felt instead like he was just an audience, formless, mindless. Then Niles looked right at him.

“We should pretend this never happened.” There was no bite or laugh to it, so it sounded like someone else had said it, and then he realised the words hadn’t come from him. Yes, they should, Xander thought, eyeing his circlet.

“Let me at least…”

“Escort me to my quarters? Please.” Niles turned away. Bravado gone, all that Xander could sense from him was an unfamiliar quiet. “We both know I fair better in the dark than you, but if you need escorting, I’ll fetch one of your subordinates, if you don’t mind.”

Had Niles always been this flighty?

“I hardly need an escort in my own home.” Xander stated simply, not moving,more because he didn’t know where to move to, less because of a conscious decision. “Niles, if you were just going to-”

“I know it’s your nature to be concerned.” Niles said, facing the door, forehead hitting wood so that he was hunched there; silvered hair, blue-violet waterfall. “But do me a favour and spare me the motions.”

Xander hadn’t known what to say to that, and was forced to watch him pass quietly around the door, opened just enough for his person, shut immediately after the last wisp of his cape passed over the threshold.


	4. Chapter 4

It wasn’t like Xander expected much after that, considering how they had departed, but he couldn’t help feeling at a loss. For what, he wasn’t sure… a warm body? Knowing and feeling that the immoblising notion of being completely alone was not entirely true?

He felt himself sigh.

“Something the matter, dear?” Camilla said, tilting towards him. He blinked at her stupidly for a moment, looked to Leo, and then down to Elise.

“Nothing more than the usual.” 

Lying had long ago been a novelty. Now, it was a lifeline.

They exited the room together, and Xander did his best to swallow that glum feeling. It was easy to tuck it under formalities… under his presence, he supposed he could call it - glad to have it. Elise and Leo were bickering, Camilla standing over them, smiling, keeping them apart while they worked something out. For once, Xander wasn’t paying attention, not fully. He was looking for something that wasn’t there, he realised, and finally approached his siblings.

“That’s enough.” 

Leo rolled his eyes, twirled on a heel. “I made my point, anyway.”

“Your point is that you’re a big _jerk_!”

“Elise.” Xander pressed, and she turned, still pouting.

“Well he _is_.”

Camilla stepped forward, brushed some of Elise’s hair off to the side. “Try and be a little more patient, sweetie. He’s still a little rattled.”

Elise deflated, looking off in the direction Leo had stormed off in. “I know…” She turned back to Camilla, glancing at Xander. “Don’t you guys agree? Shouldn’t we all try to find more ways to come together? It can’t be all fighting all the time…”

“I stand with Leo on the matter, Elise,” Xander began, and seeing her wilt at his words was quite possibly the worst part of his day, but he continued. “However, he didn’t have to be so adamant about it being a juvenile principle.” 

“So…”

“There’s a place for compassion in the world. Perhaps not in this circumstance in particular, but…”

Elise pouted again, fidgeting. “Couldn’t we take another peek?”

Xander smiled, closed his eyes for a moment to appreciate how angelic she was. “Come now.” He felt like he was always sending her off these days, so he didn’t turn around, rather, moved with them as they made to leave. Even Camilla blinked at him as he began to walk with them, at least to follow them to the main hall.

 

On his way back, he was alone. He didn’t have to return to his study - most of the work for today had been done, admittedly, but it wouldn’t hurt to smooth over a few things and take care of some fine details that would spare him some time in the future. He hurried down a short flight of steps into the inner bailey, and then out by a stone archway, passing a small alley.

At first he thought his mind was playing tricks on him, but there was Niles, staring off into space, back against one wall, right foot braced against the other. He turned at the sound Xander must have made - even without his full armor, he wasn’t anywhere near as quiet as the other man.

Niles gave him a strange look, prompting Xander to enter the alley, seeing that it curved slighty. It might have led into the lower level of the chapel, he realised, watching Niles leave the wall and take a step back.

“Do you always walk straight up to any old riff raff in narrow alleys? Who’s hell-bent on their own demise now?”

Xander gave him a stone-faced look, hands clasped calmly behind his back.

“Still me, huh.”

“Are you avoiding something?” Xander asked, and Niles let his shoulder hit the stone, crossed his arms over his chest.

“Are you insinuating something?”

“You’re impossible.”

“ _Incorrigible_.”

“Stop that.”

“Mmmwhat?”

God. Xander closed the gap between them with two quick steps, and Niles actually scrambled, and it was the funniest, most satisfying thing he’d seen in three months. And then, suddenly, they were kissing. That’s what Xander would’ve said to save face, but the reality was that he had swooped in and pressed his lips firm to Niles’. They’d caught him, though, so they were both in the proverbial dog house. Sweet togetherness.

They stayed like that for what had to have been several minutes, falling away one after the other as they snogged in some mysterious, forgotten about alleyway, and god help anyone who passed by slow enough to catch the sight of it. It was Niles who tugged him further along, moving them only just out of direct line of sight before hooking a leg around him. Xander grabbed him by the thigh, or perhaps more accurately by his ass - he couldn’t tell in the flurry of motion, concentrating on nothing at all as conscious thought threw itself over the wall.

He could be mad at himself for how hard he was, could be mad at Niles for being just as stupidly hard, or he could do something about it, despite the ever present scream of duty that knocked on the back of his eyes like an angry housewife.

Xander picked Niles up with relative ease, bracing him against the wall, arms under his thighs. Niles laughed nervously, or that’s what it sounded like - high and jittery as he looked down at Xander, white hair draping his face, eye wide.

“Didn’t think you could stomach a public fu-”

“ _Don’t_ be crass.”

Niles bit his lip, clearly affected by the tone. Xander gave him a harsh look, but it was blunted by the colour and burn of his cheeks, he was sure.

“Unfasten that.” He muttered, looking at his waistline, nodding his head towards it. Niles just stared down at him. He felt a hand tighten at his shoulder.

“Xander…”

“Do I have to pen a decree?” He replied with an edge in his voice that made Niles shiver, curse him. Xander would let it slide - hands moved like he’d asked, anyway, and he watched them, trembling, do as directed. The button popped with a muffled sound. Niles waited.

“I don’t have hands, Niles.”

He heard Niles swallow above him, hoisted him again, half for security, half to make his point. Niles got the hint, pulled himself out of his trousers like it was the first time he’d ever had to. The way he was holding Niles made it only a little obnoxious to bend down to meet his growing erection - Niles had taken his hands away, and it tapped at his cheek as he cocked his head to run his tongue along the shaft before he moved over the tip. Xander felt Niles tighten his grip on his shoulders, in an unintentional, half-assed massage. He hummed in response, lips closed around the tip, tongue flat under it, sliding up and down just enough to make swallowing more a reflex than an effort. He knew he couldn’t deepthroat, wouldn’t even attempt that, but Niles didn’t seem to be bothered, curling above him, hissing his name.

Xander didn’t have hands. Regrettable. To offset the fact that he couldn’t use that to his advantage, he tried to take in as much as he could into his mouth, but focus on the top half of the dick in his mouth. The point wasn’t to drag anything out longer than necessary, just to see Niles writhe a little.

“Quiet.” He said after a while, using the moment to lick his lips, stretch his jaw.

“The crowned prince of Nohr has my dick in his mouth, and you’re asking me to quiet down?” Niles remarked in a venomous whisper, caught in his hair, where Niles was resting his cheek. “And where am I supposed to come? How am I-”

Xander gave him a pointed suck in response, and it shut him up right away. Ironic how Niles seemed to crumple in the face of the things he spoke about with ease… it was all talk, wasn’t it? Xander hollowed his cheeks, and Niles clung.

“ _Xander_ -” Pleading, soft.

Was there something more to it?

“ _Don’t_ -” Too late. Xander swallowed again, but he’d forgotten how sudden and arrhythmic orgasms could be; he couldn’t get it all down and coughed, some of it hitting Niles, his pants. Some of it dribbled out of him. Irresponsible. Vulgar.

“Shit...” Niles cupped his face, thumb rubbing at his mouth. Xander looked up at him questioningly, halfway to amused.

“Should we forget this happened, too?”

“That’d be impossible for me, unfortunately. Fortunately.” Niles moved his jaw, staring at Xander’s face.  
“Unfortunately.”

It made Xander laugh, if tiredly, and he slowly let Niles down, pulling up his pants, messing with the clasp for him. In truth, he liked pulling at it, liked the way Niles’ hips followed the pull obediently, spent as he was. Xander wiped at his mouth with a sleeve and grimaced - he shouldn’t have done that, but it had just been reflex at the feeling of something wet on his face.

“What are we gonna do with you?” Niles murmured, eye fixed, hands already tracing the high waist of Xander’s breeches. Xander caught his wrists gently, looked at him through half-lidded eyes.

“Nothing, if you’re going to run away again.”

Niles’ eye flickered up at the statement, and he stilled, looking immediately uncomfortable. Of course that had been the plan. Xander felt him tug slightly at his hold, but not commit.

“C’mon tiger, let me have my fun,” He drawled, cut short of his act when Xander tugged at his wrists, throwing him off just enough to make him tip forwards.

“I’m talking to you.” 

Niles stiffened again, and this time tugged with more purpose, prompting Xander to let go. But he remained in the alley, and Xander supposed he was glad enough for that - glad enough that Niles hadn’t vanished as soon as he’d opened his hands.

“You’ve been distant with Leo.” Xander broke the silence, feeling himself come down, feeling his body return to normal. Niles stared at the floor.

“Did he tell you?”

“I’d be lucky if he told me anything.” It had been most obvious today, and probably why Leo had been so quick to stop Elise in her ever so optimistic tracks. Leo could be that way too… which had made it odd. He was usually understanding and generous with her anyway. In fact, Xander could count on one hand the number of times they’d actually fought. “He’s been impatient, quick to emotion. At first I thought it was because of his injuries, but he’s been hurt before. Then I remembered the time he thought you were avoiding him. The influence of pirates.”

“Gods.” Niles shook his head. “That was silly.” 

“He’s not being silly now.”  
Niles gave him a guilty look, rubbed his arm. “I felt bad. Selfish.”

“Good.” Xander said, then sighed, held his hand out. Niles gave it a timid look before taking it slowly. Xander turned it around so that their fingers interlocked. “You did this once.”

Niles swallowed, staring at it. “So I did.”

“What were you apologising for?”

“...I…” Xander could practically hear Niles’ heart from where he stood. Everything about his body language was braced for every sense of flight - from conversation, from feelings, from physical position. Thankfully, it felt like he wouldn’t act on it just yet.

“I felt selfish because I _was_ selfish.” He was still looking at their hands, mesmorised. “I apologised because… well, frankly I thought you were going to throw me out. It was a last ditch effort to get over you. How could I predict that you wouldn’t? Seriously? Who would’ve believed that fantasy…”

Xander tilted his head, but said nothing, wanting him to continue. Needing to understand, although he could to some degree. Everything was fitting together in a way that was satisfying and disturbing, if not a little calming.

“Then it started this thing that I was scared to continue. With me of all people.”

“As opposed to?”

“Anyone else, probably, seeing as I fall, as per pedigree, among the lowest rungs of society.”

“Don’t be dramatic, Niles.”

“Oh, but I assure you, I’m not.” 

Xander felt his expression ease as he watched Niles’ profile. From this angle, he could only see the eyelashes of his uninjured eye.

“I can’t deny blood, but you don’t fall there where it counts. I can’t say the same for many people who are bred for better things. I’m not so stuffy that I don’t know that.” He was going to wait, to be respectful, but he decided to pull Niles in. Relief hit when the other didn’t pull away, allowed the gesture, forehead coming to rest on his chest again. “Don’t treat me like I don’t understand anything, Niles.”

“After what you just did, I relinquish the right.”

“Are you telling me it took _that_ to make you see that I’m not a charicature?”

Niles looked up at him, feigning bewilderment. “What else couold have persuaded me? Certainly not pillow talk.”

Xander pulled his ear. Niles flinched, mouth splitting into a grin. “That won’t work as desired.”

“You’ve made it clear that you lack the ability to accurately judge that.” Xander pulled harder, watching the satisfaction in Niles’ expression turn to flustered shock.

This was good for him, for them both, in a small sense. Xander wasn’t stupid. In a perfect world, Niles would have been a woman with seven titles, who came with some promise of diplomacy, of heirs, of so many things. In fact, he was sure that there were many connections waiting to come to alignment… waiting for him to come to that point. He didn’t want to think about it. It would have been just another duty, another part of the plan, until Niles had found him like a shooting star. Judging from his traipse into the sciences, that didn’t bode well for the pair of them. He might have chosen a better analogy, but all of them seemed to carry the same weight.

Xander’s head hit the stone wall gently. He put both arms around Niles, breathed from his nose and revelled in the feeling of someone real and warm against him, happy to reciprocate. They remained like that for some time before Niles slipped away again, this time with a smile, and Xander watched him go, consoling himself that it wouldn’t be the last time they came together. Sadly, that comfort had a companion - a swarming mass of apprehension.


	5. Chapter 5

Rain poured, made the ground into mud, made the sky into mud. Another battle, another wound… Xander scratched just below the bandages wrapped around his upper arm, closing his eyes at the minimal relief of it. The worst part of injuries by far… he should feel lucky he still had the appendage, he supposed.

It had been a nice excuse, though, he thought, looking next to him at Niles’ bare back. The archer groaned sleepily, reaching to pat the sheets down, presumably to keep out the cold air that came rushing when Xander sat up. So he sank back down, pulling Niles into him by the middle, moving white hair out of the way so it wouldn’t tickle his face.

Niles took Xander’s hand right away, the one that had settled onto his stomach. He was always doing that. Reaching for a hand.

“We have to get up…” Xander murmured, just as bothered by the idea as Niles sounded.

“ _You_ have to get up.” He supplied, fingers still locked with no hint of a twitch to let go. “I don’t play by house rules.”

“That so.” Xander said. “That leaves you in the grey. I can’t take my chances… consort with the enemy… you leave me no choice.”

“Wh-”

Xander pulled his hand back out of Niles’ grasp and threw the covers off of them completely. Gods it was cold, but the way Niles sprang up and made a scandalised sound made it worth it.

“Fuck! You-” He stopped, smile betraying him. Damn it if he didn’t look good like this, hair wild, eyepatch gone… content. Happy. Amused. Xander had to fight to keep his face still, his jaw set.

“What’ll it be?”

He supposed it wasn’t all bad. There were things that could be done, were they to be… public. It wasn’t as if Xander couldn’t take the throne, it’d just be. Complicated. Wasn’t it, anyway?

He was sitting on the bed, dressed plainly, when Niles came back from washing up, wiping his face Xander’s shirt from yesterday. The prince sighed, felt his eyes close before he gave Niles a _look_ \- just about all he could manage before he softened again. In this quiet, he could get a much better picture, a much better read of Niles than anywhere else.

“The coronation is soon.” He hadn’t meant to say it, but since it had been on his mind, his body wanted it out, mouth obliging. With his father dead, with everyone falling back into sorts, the moment to step up had been steadily approaching, and all this while he could not remove Niles from the forefront of his mind, not since that night he’d stepped in to his study.

Niles simply stood there, smirk gone, light in his eye gone, and it left him looking like he must have all that time ago, abandoned. That was his story, right? Abandoned, twice, only to show up at his younger brother’s feet, beg for an end to what he assumed would be a never ending cycle. In an odd way, Xander could relate. It wasn’t his father who had abandoned him, not really… not by choice, anyway. It was why Xander worked tirelessly to make sure his siblings were taken care of. He didn’t need the credit, just the reassurance. He needed to know he would never do as his father did, that _he_ would never abandon them… because the reason hadn’t mattered; the damage was done.

“Glad you’re aware, I’d be alarmed if you were in the dark about it.” Came the retort, too late, too soft. Xander reached for his hand, almost missed it, fingers brushing until he curled his around Niles’. The archer couldn’t resist, Xander knew, but the way Niles looked at the connection made it feel like he’d wounded him somehow.

“There’ll be talk of marriage after that. You understand.”

He could feel the desperate need for Niles to shy away from touch, like it had just become the worst sensation to him, that twitch in his fingers... and yet he lingered, beyond the point that he could look Xander in the eye. Instead, he focused on the pile of clothes on the floor.

“Consummately.”

“Niles.”

“ _What_.” Niles turned back to him, brow raised, mouth threatening a sneer. “I would have been a real fool to see longevity in this.”

“ _Niles_.”

“I’m not saying that to be stabby, but I know you not so secretly l-”

“Make no _mistake_ ,” Xander interrupted, a little loud, then softening once Niles shut up. “I have considered things carefully.” He didn’t think he had ever seen Niles angry, but it looked as if he was getting there fast. It made his stomach churn uncomfortably - he was hurt. Any idiot could see that. He shouldn’t drag this out any more than necessary.

“I can’t promise you anything, only that it won’t be easy. Despite that, I must ask you… I _want_ to ask you… if you’ll marry me.”

For the first time, Niles looked astonished. Not taken aback, not winded. No. Utterly thrown for a loop. Flabberghasted. It was infinitely unsettling. Then he looked confused. He glanced at their hands, still connected, loosely now, cheeks lighting up. When Niles caught his eye again, Xander could see that same thing he’d caught some time ago - that fleeting thing. But this time, it stayed, and it fell down the side of his cheek, then from his chin.

“What…?” Niles asked, not bothering to wipe his face, perhaps not even registering that he had begun to cry. Xander stood up, heart aching. Something burned in his whole chest, multiplied by time and intimate understanding. He wanted to pull Niles into him, but he didn’t know what to do… didn’t know what was appropriate, what would set Niles off.

“Will you marry me?” Xander said, much quieter, closer to Niles’ face, trying to stay calm, but it was difficult. If he never saw Niles hurt again it would be far too soon - he couldn’t stand the possibility, let alone the thought, and heaven forbid the actuality.

“Xander, you can’t… why would you even…?” He felt the top of Niles’ head hit his shoulder, felt shaky hands at his sides, sliding to embrace him at the middle. 

“You think I’m following my dick, aren’t you.” Xander mumbled, peering down through Niles’ shoulder blades..

“Your words, not mine.” Came the muffled response.

“High opinion you have of me, don’t you? Maybe I’ll recind the offer after _gghk_ -.” Niles’ embrace had become a vice grip all too suddenly, and Xander lurched, his hands coming to the small of his back.

“If you let me be selfish, I’m not gonna decline. So that’s my fair warning.” The archer finally pulled his hands back, just to latch onto Xander’s collar petulantly, forehead moving to his chest. Xander pet the back of his head, made a humming sound.

“Warning heeded. Is that a yes?”

“Face it, you just want to see me in a dress.”

Xander sighed.

“And _gods_ know what you want underneath the dress.”

“ _Niles_.” He snatched an ear, heard a gasp before he let go, and Niles resurfaced to kiss him. Xander could feel the smile on his lips. It made him feel… jittery. Light? Strange, in the best way he’d ever felt it.

The days that followed were certainly happier. In fact, Xander was sure Elise was happier than either of them when she found them out. It was Xander who had confided in his siblings, at least, not wanting much to get out about a wedding as it was. Not in this climate. And he knew for all the thickness of Niles’ skin, of his scars and callouses and smirks, that some people would not be kind.

They would be fine, he thought, looking at Niles’ profile as they stood quietly on the balcony, or when they ate together, or when they had stupid arguments that ended in a laugh or something much less innocent - Niles was so good at distracting him that way. It would never get old, because Niles would never stop being the person he was. Not for the world.

In the silence of sleeping hours, when either of them woke in a sweat, in a panic, when they could reach for a hand and find the other’s, there, waiting… he knew that they could be happy. He would be in every arrow, just as Niles would be in every flicker of light down Siegfried’s blade.

“I love you.” Niles said, gazing dreamily at the fire as it crackled, and Xander looked up from his desk, smiled over at him, caught his eye as he turned.

“I love you, too.”

There was no other sound but the fire. Xander set his pen, and then his circlet down, and held out his hand.


End file.
